The Comforter.

This is the time in my life where peace just won't make amends with my life. It's a time where every time I feel like I have a fresh beginning and a fresh hope, that the rug is forced from under my feet.

In the early days of our loss, I found so much comfort knowing that we had so many family and friends close by but as time goes on and their lives do also, I felt myself being left behind. This was no ones fault except my own. You see, that may sound harsh but let me explain...

The easiest and most instant comfort is found from those around us. Why? Because it is just that, instant yet how can we expect for those around us to be as close to the eye of the storm as we are? That just isn't fair. The truth, I am learning is that we must take responsibility for our own wellbeing when in all reality all that we want to do is punish ourselves.

When we lost Zachary, I wracked my brain looking for reasons of what I could have done to cause him to pass. Did I take enough vitamins? Did I exercise enough? Did I do too much? The truth is, that triploidy happens at conception and I know that I looked after him the best I could from the moment I was blessed with his sweet presence. I say all this because in these situations we crave something that makes sense and often the only thing we can look at is ourselves but this is not true.

From April 23rd until the present day, I felt and feel like my whole life is unravelling before my eyes and every time I try to gather the wool it just unravels more and more. Ten weeks on, I finally came undone. I spoke to several people and tried to make amends with my situation but the truth is, is that it just isn't fair and I don't understand. Often we are told to paint on a smile and know that everything happens for a reason yet when you can't find any good outcome from a situation where do you turn?

For me, I turned to Jesus, the ultimate prince of peace. He is our true comforter and our true protector and he will never ever leave or forsake us. I am still so early on in my journey, I don't know what my expectations were, how could I ever prepare myself? I do know that I have never doubted God's goodness, his sweet presence or that his mercies are new every day and for that I am so thankful. I pray that we can all try to lift our heavy heads and adjust our gaze to look at the one who is the giver of every good and perfect thing, Jesus.


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