Fire.

Perhaps you were made for this moment, to walk through the blazing fire and come forth as gold - MHN



At some point we all experience fire, a trial that is like no other and at some point we all beg to be taken out of it. My fire? Learning that my baby was 'incompatible with life' and that his condition had a 100% fatality rate.

I screamed, I begged, I cried, I prayed, I held my stomach, I felt him kick until finally I lost the battle and I delivered my stillborn son. 

I had often read about miracles that had happened when there really was no other way, situations that people cannot explain, medical reports that had made a full shift in their statistics. I begged and longed for Zachary to be one of those stories, I dreamt about what it would be like sharing that story. I compromised, on a diagnosis, any diagnosis which meant that I could hear him cry at least one bittersweet time. It never came.

People asked me how did I feel knowing that I didn't get my miracle. My answer? I did. Triploidy babies of Zachary's origin are mostly always spontaneously miscarried in the first trimester. Most people don't find out the gender of their baby, aren't able to name them, have never met them and never spent any time with them. A lot of triploidy pregnancies cause serious health conditions in the mother which I had a high risk of developing the longer time he grew inside me. Sure, I got sick but my health in general is okay. These are my miracles.

When we are in the fire, we beg to be rescued and of course we do. No one wants to walk through a fire, no one even wants to find themselves in a fire but we have all found ourselves there at one point. Maybe it was a dream that has been shattered, a loved one passing away, a friendship that was once your family that now you mourn, a diagnosis or any other number of things. I don't know what you're facing but I do know that you are not in the fire alone.

Firstly, you will find some very very special people that will step into the fire with you. They will hold your hand, they will talk to you about your loss, they will be there to just be present when you have no words. These people in my life have become my family in this season, people who I know pray for me when I haven't asked and who want to see the best for me.

Though the best of all? Jesus. I begged and I cried out to God for him to rescue my baby and to turn my situation around. The fire did not stop, it kept getting brighter and bigger as more and more fuel was added. From a worrying scan, to a diagnosis, to a delivery, to leaving my son in the hospital and coming home with a box. The fire did. not. stop. but, He was right there beside me and He still is. In my most intimate moments with Christ, I heard him whisper to me words of faith, of healing, of encouragement and most importantly of peace. He shielded me and continues to shield me even now in the midst of my grief.

I am still in the fire, but I can see ashes and embers and I can see beauty as I watch a flame die out that once consumed me. It is in the fire that I have learned my hardest and most valuable lessons. I've learned what it really looks like to trust God, I've learned what it really looks like to have your faith tested and to stay steadfast. I've learned that faith and hope are two very different things and though my hope has nearly disappeared on a number of occasions that my faith has not. 

I have stayed steadfast. I have continued to declare his goodness. I have remained thankful.

I have also asked questions, I have wrestled and I have struggled. Though most of all I know that through everything God has been right beside me in the fire, I know his heart breaks because my heart is breaking and I know that I still have a hope and future and that his plans are to prosper me.

I don't know what fire you are walking through but I do know you are not doing it alone. Today I encourage you to change your prayer. Don't just ask to be pulled out of the fire, ask to be shielded and allow God to speak to you in a tender whisper. You are not alone and day by day you are being refined and there will be beauty from your ashes.

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