To be the one.
1 in 250,000 babies are diagnosed with triploidy at Zachary's gestation. 1 in 4 pregnancies end in a miscarriage and we never expect ourselves to be the one, they're just statistics until you become the one. I remember getting the call and having his condition explained to me over and over again and being told how rare it was, I was both numb and thawed all at once.
I don't know why bad things happen to good people. I don't know why some people get to bring their babies home and some don't. I don't know why my son died. I don't know why my pregnancy ended. I don't know why I was the one in those statistics. I have stopped trying to wrap my head around it. It became a constant blame game of what I could have possibly done differently... the answer? Nothing.
I don't want to be a victim. I don't want to feel this way. I want to overcome and rise above, but that will take time and mourning the death of my baby does not make me a victim, it makes me a mother. I am overcoming, day by day by the grace of God.
I sometimes ponder 'why me?'. My perception has changed now, instead of thinking 'why did this happen to me' and sit and make my bed there, I have started to think 'this has happened and I now get to choose what I do with it'.
Though this journey has been lined with far more dust than diamonds, there have been beautiful and sparkling gems that have lit the path before me as I have shared my story. I connected with a wonderful woman from the other side of the world. She had also lost her son and given birth to him and didn't feel up to meeting him at the time. Together as a team, one of us in the UK and one of us in New Zealand we were able to find the photos of her sweet boy. What has followed are honest conversations, phone calls, tears and moments of sharing joy. Her shoulders are a little lighter and so are mine.
I still believe that God is good and that his ways are perfect. Sometimes it makes no sense to speak about God's goodness in our situation when it is far from that, but he is good because when our hearts are broken and our spirits are crushed he is right there beside us. He is in the tender whisper. God's goodness is not based on our circumstance or what happens to us because God is good. That is who he is. Good, kind and gracious.
My heart is breaking, still. Sometimes my head is so heavy that all I can look at is my empty stomach but in my brokenness God is restoring me and helping me to restore others. What if I am the only 1 in 250,000 people that knows what it means to have your heart truly broken yet also having it simultaneously restored by the grace of God? What if I am the only 1 in 250,000 people that chooses to help others through her grief? What if I am the only 1 in 250,000 people that still declares that God is good and that I still trust him?
The truth is that there is power in being a statistic. There is power in being the one. We get to choose what we do with being the one. What if each one of us just helped one person? What if we just lined their path with grace? What if we just listened? What if we sincerely prayed?
Choose to do something with your pain, your loss, your grief, your battles with your mental health. Whatever it looks like to you, you have learned something and you can help someone else.