Your Story.

When we knew that I would deliver Zachary and that he would be born still, my husband and I talked about how we would let people know. It was a Sunday and I was at my church gathering, I knew Zachary was on the brink of life and I was very aware that this could be the last Sunday I spent with him. What followed was a kind, yet heartbreaking gesture from someone who rubbed my still growing tummy and uttered the words "Everything okay in there? Growing nicely?!", my world shattered. I knew that we needed to make this information public when he was born to protect myself and those around me.

On Monday 1st May at 6:37pm, after a painful and fast-progressing labour my Son was born. What followed in the days after was a social media post of his hat and blanket to let people know that he had passed away. I hadn't thought about sharing anything further, until I received countless messages from people thanking me for my honesty. Following our miscarriage in 2017, I realised that the awareness of baby loss and grief in general was not one that was often spoken about, so I set out to change this.

I still often think about what goes through the minds of my followers when they see another post on their newsfeed about my son or my feelings of anxiety and emptiness. The truth is, I never post these for any kind of attention or validation as I know that my this can only come from my heavenly Father. I am just so passionate that people know that their story has meaning, whether that's a season of a mountain top or a valley.

Social media can be both a beautiful and hurtful tool and how we use it matters. It is not often that we see any kind of valley moments on Instagram as we all (myself included!) post our highlight reel of wedding days, perfect family moments, friends getting together etc... and the posts that we do see of valley moments are often clothed in way too much information and not shared with caution.

There are many chapters in my life that I wish I never had to live, but they are chapters that follow me through life all the same. It is now that I reflect that I realise that every chapter, every page, every word and every letter has meaning for myself and also for those around me. I have learned the sheer beauty or sharing our stories, even the ones that we would most like to keep to ourselves. To clarify, this doesn't look like spilling our deepest, darkest moments for the world to see but we can share our feelings and thoughts with sincerity and care. All of my posts have been a very honest reflection of my journey but there are still things that I keep close to my heart and with those who I let into the depths of my heart.

I have had some moments since losing Zachary that I would honestly describe as the worst moments of my life and the weight of grief has been so thick that I haven't even been able to see any hope. At one point, I thought I'd lost all hope, but my friends and family have pulled me out of a pit of despair again and again
-- and no matter how many times I have to throw up my weary arms and ask for help, they pull and pull until I can see some light. Oh, true friendship is a beautiful and life-changing thing.

So while I may not know your personal circumstances or the battles that you face in your mind each and every day, I do know that you should be talking about it and that staying silent should never be an option. I'm not encouraging you to post every part of your heart onto a social media platform for all to see, that can be dangerous and it does need to be done with care, but I know that there will people around you that will pull up a chair, pour a cup of tea and let you cry and speak.

When we stay silent about the things that have broken us, and more importantly, the things that matter, the heaviness of our circumstance consumes us and we lose sight of hope. One thing I am certain of is that we are wrapped in endless grace which isn't dependent on our past, current or future circumstances.

There is always someone who will listen to your story and it is oh so possible to watch others flourish while you yourself are doing the same. One day, you will be telling the story of your survival to someone else.

Comments

  1. Ohh Michaela, thanks for continuously being an inspiration for people like me, you are brave person and I will Contine including you in prayers, praying for God to make all your wishes come true and heal you during your griefing process. You are strong person and May God continue to bless you.

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